The Best Laid Plans...

"But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,

In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men

Gang aft agley,

An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,

For promis'd joy!

Still thou are blest, compared wi' me!

The present only toucheth thee:

But och! I backward cast my e'e,

On prospects drear!

An' forward, tho' I canna see,

I guess an' fear!"

Robert Burns- To A Mouse

If you are ever feeling bored and up for a challenge I would highly recommend that you read the full poem above. It is pretty tough but very worth it.

In the poem, a farmer plows through a mouses nest and offers an apology for destroying his home. He concludes with the thoughts written above. Blessed is the mouse, who prepares for the future yet lives only in the present. Mean while the man is cursed to look both forward and back in time- regretting the past and fearing the unknown future.

As I may have alluded to earlier, the residency gig has been a source of discomfort in my life recently. For years I have had this plan- I would get a PGY2 residency, meet the girl of my dreams, settle down with a job at a university, work part time at a hospital, and start my life. Done and Done. I never in my wildest dreams thought about "what if that doesn't happen?" That is the question facing me now... What if?

Now the intent of this post isn't to moan about my life, and I certainly don't expect (or want) sympathy on the matter. It is instead to learn the lesson the farmer sought to learn... To live in the present. I live in a wonderful city, surrounded by people (and new friends) who care for me far more than they should. Why should I be worried about 6 months from now? Why should I waste the present with my worry and my concern?

That is the ultimate irony, in continuing to live my life the way I have been would be a double failure. By fearing the future I waste the present- and then someday I will look back and regret that I didn't take the time to invest myself in the people and city of Madison. I would get myself both coming and going.

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these." - Luke 12:27

Or better yet...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Here's to the life of a mouse... where the present only toucheth thee

In him,

Gus

Best of #SCLP

So for those of you who are unaware, there exists a wonderful blog written by Jon Acuff called Stuff Chrisitans Like. It is fantastic and if you have a chance you should check it out.

Jon (yes, we are on a first name basis) also has a solid presence on twitter (@prodigaljohn). He recently combined the two in a project designed to work through the book of psalms. Essentially, each day is a new chapter and he posts a short (140 character) thought/devoton related to that psalm. In addition to his contributions, Jon encourages others to add their thoughts to the pool- producing a grass roots daily devotional!

Each week while this goes on- I will be writing an entry to recap the best of psalms as provided by the people of twitter. So without further adu: #SCLP

Psalms 1

@prodigaljohn I fear "meditates day & night" on law is not same as a 30min quiet time each morn. Delight starts with discipline. P1:2

@GustafsonK Psalms 1:2 Do I find my delight in the law or begrudgingly follow it?

@joelt_ Psa1: Walking, standing & sitting in God's Word day & night replants us in a place of fruitfulness & presperity.

@blundin "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked" Psalms 1:1 Who do you take your advice from?

@LisaNotes Are you a tree? Be one. Not only for you, but for someone else. Psalm 1. http://bit.ly/8cGPMe

@jeannienaylor The blessed tree doesn't yield fruit year round, but that doesn't stop it from growing & providing shade & beauty while it waits. P1:3

@jimmy_young Keep tight to God, get your nourishment from Him, be rooted in what He provides. Fix yourself on Him! Psalm 1

@AymieJoi Even when life sucks, & the "bad" people are winning, God is watching and protecting me. Ps 1:6

@philigionosophy live wisely by training yourself to meditate on God's Word - http://tumblr.com/xal5atkra

Psalms 2

@prodigaljohn "You are my son." 4 of the biggest words in the Bible. 4 are the hardest words to believe when we feel dirty. P2:7

@GustafsonK Psalms 2:2-6 Though the world may stand against them, the Lord has appointed and protects HIS rulers.

@LisaNotes “Worship God in adoring embrace, celebrate in trembling awe.” Ps 2:11 (The Message)

@blundin The plots and plans of the mighty come to nothing outside of the sovereign will of the Lord. Psalm 2

@jeannienaylor It seems so simple when you take it down to the basics- serve & rejoice. Ps. 2:11

@philigionosophy Our Father is generous to His children -http://tumblr.com/xal5c7f39

Psalms 3

@prodigaljohn Fear not, days were all you can do is lie down & wake for the weight of your hurt is a day lived like David. P3:5

@GustafsonK Psalms 3:3 I don't earn any glory- it is bestowed by God... P3:8 (message) "Your blessing clothes your people!"

@joelt_ Psa 3 - Nothing comes to us that doesn't first pass through the sheild around us that is th Lord.

@blundin When everyone turns on you, even those you love, do not fear because salvation comes from the Lord. Psalm 3

@RachLuvs I act like Ps2:12 says "Blessed r all who can handle their junk on their own" instead of "Blessed r all who take refuge in Him"

@jeannienaylor Never have I awakened as a result of my own strength. Ps. 3:5

@jennosteen my protector, my sustainer...my everything. Ps. 3:3

@philigionosophy I have one heck of a shield Psalm 3:3 -http://tumblr.com/xal5da6f4

Psalms 4

@prodigaljohn "Greater joy" makes bling seem like brass & wine like water & money like thin, powerless green paper. P4

@GustafsonK Psalms 4:7- I have more joy in an ordinary day than the rest of the world could possibly imagine (message)

@LisaNotes "At day's end [OR BEGINNING] I'm ready for sound sleep, for you, GOD, have put my life back together." Ps 4:8 (The Message)

@staidan Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord (Psalm 4:6) - then help us show that light to all we meet.

@joelt_ Psa4 - David asked God to fill him with joy when the needs of his enemies were met. Wow

@blundin Our safety and security is only found in the Lord. Psalm 4

@dinglemunch @prodigaljohn INXS "Devil Inside" vs. Psalm 5:4. How's that for a tie-in to today's psalm?

I hope you find as much hope and meaning in these words as I do.

In Him,
Gus

Radar Up

I wish I could express how wonderful this week has been for me thus far.

Like a good employee, I got up early and headed into work on Monday despite being slightly travel lagged and relatively tired. As soon as I got in, I went right up to work on the floors and didn't even bother to check my schedule (and really- why should I... I just have rotations during the week).

After working for the morning, I came back from lunch and my co-resident was like "where have you been all morning? We have a work week this week!". It was at this moment that the heavens parted and a bright light shown into my windowless office. A work week! I have heard wonders of the mythical "W" day at Meriter- but an entire week is unheard of.

This is all wonderful though, because my one page of notebook paper is no longer able to contain my to-do list. Instead of 4 weeks of stress and frustration I have a fantastic opportunity to knock off a big chunk of the stuff that has been put off for FAR to long.

The big question is: What am I going to do with it all? Not what am I going to do with all the time... what am I going to do with this gift? How is God using this event in my life?

I have a major tendency to see God moving in the major things in my life... Me ending up in Madison, in where I am going to live next year, in finding Blackhawk church and in my wonderful life group. But what about all the little things that happen in my life? Do I see God's plan for me in a light work week, or a layover in Minneapolis?

Bible stories are fascinating to me, mostly because I am awful at reading them. One of the things I am learning (through Blackhawk) is how much awesomeness is packed into the beginning of the stories- the setting of the scene. Lets look at Acts 17:13-34. Here we find a wonderful story about Paul witnessing to Athens through culturally relevant means. It is a powerful example of Paul's ministry... but the story means so much more when you look at the beginning, the setting, the context.

¹³When the Jews in Thessalonica learned that Paul was preaching the word of God at Berea, they went there too, agitating the crowds and stirring them up. ¹⁴The brothers immediately sent Paul to the coast, but Silas and Timothy stayed at Berea. ¹⁵The men who escorted Paul brought him to Athens and then left with instructions for Silas and Timothy to join him as soon as possible. ¹⁶While Paul was waiting for them in Athens...

The amazing thing about this story isn't the ministry (we all know Paul could preach). It is that he was there by accident! It was a layover for him the way that Minneapolis was a layover for me to and from Las Vegas a couple weeks ago. Instead of kicking up his feet and enjoying his break, Paul's "God Radar" was up- he was aware of the world around him and how God wanted to use him.

How did God want to use me in Minneapolis? I am sure he had a plan but I honestly have no idea what it was because... I wasn't looking. My radar was focused on me and not looking for God's still quiet voice. How many times in my life have I been in Athens and missed a chance to do God's work?

It is to late for me to realize my potential in Minneapolis... but what will I do with this week? With this Gift? Here's to keeping my radar up and my thoughts on a plan so much greater than I can imagine!

In Him,

Gus

My long neglected thoughts...

When I first brought up this page again, I had every intention of explaining how busy I have been and promising to do better with updating. (One update in 3 months is pretty sad- even for me). BUT... I don't want to lie to you, my ever faithful reader. I say "ever faithful reader" because if you manage to find your way to this blog after a lay-off that long you are far more faithful and loving than I would even expect my own mother to be (unless you are my mother- in which case I love you).

I will however give you a quick update on my life and the movement of God through it.

Since our last encounter I have managed to find a wonderful group of twenty-somethings from Blackhawk Church to share my Tuesday evenings with. It was completely by chance that I met up with the leader- but things just magically fell into place and I have a new "life group" friends group which has provided me with a lot of the things I have been missing about ONU. In addition one of the girls in the group knows my friend Punk and when I get to talk to her I am reminded how small a world we really live in.

My work continues to be tough. My hours are long and the work bounces between overwhelming and nonexistent depending on the minute. I feel like the residency world is a lot of expectations and plenty of the hurry up and wait mentality. Currently on my to-do list is finish a CE, write a hemodialysis case for UW, write a hepatitis lecture for UW, and catch up on all the readings that I neglected over Christmas.

I have finished all of my residency applications for next year. The final cut of programs are:

Temple University, Philadelphia

University of Michigan, Ann Arbor

Midwestern University, Chicago

Barnes-Jewish Hospital, St Louis

University of Texas, Austin

I am now (not so) patiently waiting to hear about interviews. Wake Forest took 27 applications for one spot so prayers about my future next year are appreciated. There are no guarantees in this line of work anymore.

Lastly, I just got back to Cheese Land from a week in Ohio. While I do my best to live in the present and not worry about "missing" home- it sure was nice to be surround by family. I don't think I do a good enough job staying in contact with loved ones. Had I been thinking I would have made that my New Years Resolution.... but I didn't. However I think I will make an attempt to be a better son and keep my mom in the loop regarding my life. (When your mom joins twitter just to know what is going on in your life there is something wrong). I miss all my friends, miss my family, and miss feeling "at home". I guess that means that I just need to make here my home. I'll add that to my to-do list...

As always, God is great. He is moving in my life and I am excited to see where he is leading me.

I love you all!

In Him,

Kyle (Gus)

PS. I have a list of topics to write about- perhaps I will try to ink one of those here in the near future :)

"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it..."

In my defense, I had to google those lyrics to actually get the wording right- I have only heard the song a handful of times, one of which was the SNL backup dancer sketch. BUT... it does have to do with the topic tonight- and that is the love/hate/awkward relationship that I have with my ring and tattoo.

For those of you who do not know (which I am guessing is only a few of you) I wear a ring on my left hand even though I am not married, and I also have a tattoo on my wrists. The ring is inscribed with Proverbs 3:5 and Sigma Theta Epsilon. The tattoo is a combination of stigmata (marks where the nails pierced Christ's wrists) and the reference for Galatians 2:20 on my left wrist.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20

Now- the tattoo is almost always covered. I work wearing long sleeve shirts and have been very careful to always wear a wrist watch which covers the reference on my left wrist. No one I work with and very few people in Madison even know I have the tattoo. The ring is another story. Invariably, when I meet someone, I am asked about my wife. If I had a $1 for every time I was asked that question- I could retire and move to Jamaica. It's the question that always follows it that makes me cringe... "Why do you wear a ring on your left hand then?"

I always seem to stutter, mumble, avoid, and BS the answer to that question. It's very simple to me. I wear the ring on my left hand as a reminder that until I am married I should live like I am married to Christ- and that I should place all of my trust in him. Do you think that's the answer that I give to the people who ask me? Not a chance.

This evening I attended a meet+greet at the house of my "new" pastor in Madison. There were 20 of us at his house, which is a big deal when you consider the church I attend has an average weekly attendance of 4000. To be in that close of company with a pastor of such a large church is rare. During the evening I was engaged in conversation with his wife and the subject of the ring came up... my answer wasn't the one I gave you above. "I used to wear it on my right hand but it got in the way... so I moved it to the left and I haven't moved it back". That's the standard answer I give everyone. She is a pastors wife and I couldn't talk about the "religion" behind the ring.

The other day someone asked me what my tattoo meant to me- and I stammered and deflected the subject away from the scripture/tattoo. I simply felt awkward talking about it. The tattoo is very clear- it is a daily reminder of the sacrifice that Christ made for me, and a reminder of the life that I am supposed to be living with Christ as my example. Once again its a really simple answer that I never give to anyone.

Why is there such a stigma in discussing my (very public) displays of faith. How can I justify wearing such overt symbols of my faith and my identity in Christ if I am not willing to talk with people about that very same faith? In so many instances God has provided an opportunity for me to share my faith with another human being and yet I turn away. I cover my light.

"14You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." -Matt 5:14-16

What prevents me from sharing my light with those people curious enough to ask me about my ring or about my tattoo? Am I afraid of saying the wrong thing? Making a fool of myself? In reality it is something far worse.... I am worried that they will judge me- that they will no longer like me or want to hang out with me. I am scared that they will label me as a "crazy christian" and I will loose their friendship. Man that is lame :(

Any suggestions for how to put my light on a stand? The next time this conversation comes up how should I respond? My goal is to be more open and honest in those moments. To say a little prayer and then leave the words up to God. If I cant manage to do that then I probably don't deserve to wear it anyways...

Christian Road Rage

Back in High School I went through a phase where all that I listened to was stand-up comedy. I downloaded a ton of routines by several comics- but without a doubt my favorite was George Carlin. He was rude, loud, and vulgar- and that is BEFORE he gets going on a rant. I would like to say that his vulgarity wasn't the only reason that I liked him... but because I was a High School boy at the time I would probably just be lying to you. Man that guy could swear!

However- looking back on his acts and reading through one of his books (Napalm and Silly Putty) as an "adult" I still chuckle at his vulgarity but I realize the real quality that makes Carlin, or any other comic, funny is how observant they are regarding human nature. Carlin's routines are funny because they are very very true. I think the saying "at the heart of every joke lies a little bit of truth" is spot-on. If it wasn't true then it wouldn't be funny. One of the best examples I can offer of Carlin's insight can be seen in his take on drivers. He asks a very simple question.

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

He is exactly right- the only perfect driver is you. We see everyone else in relation to ourselves. This isn't just true in driving either- I realized today that I do it with everything I come into contact with.

I walked into church today in a very good mood. I had just woken up a mere 45 mins before and my body hadn't yet figured out that I tricked it into waking up at 8am on a Sunday. This past week I had heard from the church's service coordinator that they have several medical pagers for passing out to doctors, nurses, and apparently pharmacists- so that if something were to happen during the service there would be quick and knowledgeable professional response. This was my first sunday picking up a pager. I was doing my good deed for the day. I had a purpose. I was silently smug and prideful! I got my cup of coffee (hoping to starve off my impending nap until AFTER the service) and took my seat with my friends. Then I started my favorite past time...

Now many of you who know me must be thinking- "I didn't know you could play disc golf in Church" but that isnt the past time I am referring to. I happen to be referring to the game I like to call "Judging Other Christians". There she was- the same lady as last week. Same red dress. Same GIANT acrylic nails. Same three praise music "dance" moves- always mixed and matched to the tempo, style, or feel of the song... and of course she is sitting in the very front row. A quick glance around the room confirms that yes- she is the only one dancing. And despite all of this I can't explain to you now why she bothers me, but she does! I don't know if the enthusiasm feels fake or what, but something strikes me as off kilter about the whole situation.

(Now, please mind you that all of this is coming from the man who does his own amount of dancing to praise music, sings far louder than he should, and in his estimation would be a pain to worship next to or near- go figure!)

I block her from my mind and go back to singing (it is one of my favorite hymns after all- cant let her ruin that for me) and it occurs to me that the man across the aisle is not only not singing- he hardly has his eyes open! Not in the "I am so into this song" eyes closed- the "I should have gotten coffee like this loud annoying guy across the aisle" eyes closed. Who does he think he is? (For now, let's just ignore the fact that I can simultaneously "worship" my creator AND scope out every other person in the sanctuary- I think that's a topic for another day... unfortunately)

Are we making the connection yet?

It seems that anyone being "more worshipful" than me is a distraction, bother and annoyance- and anyone being "less worshipful" than me is being rude, unappreciative, and a unchristian! I seem to view other Christians the same way I view other drivers... in relation to myself as the definition of perfection.

Another example- I was listening to a radio show which happened to be hosting a favorite blog of mine- www.stuffchristianslike.net. It was prerecorded but Jon (yes, I am on a first name basis with the blog author I have never met nor communicated with) kindly linked it in a recent post. I was just laying around in bed listening for the wisdom imparted by Jon and the host Chris Fabry when the "call-in" questions happened. A lady called in and just went to town about coming to the cross, about how we are too caught up on the "power of the blood" and need to dwell on the cross. With each sentence she becomes louder and more aggressive. Mind you- that none of this had anything to do with Jon's message or reflection for that day. I rolled over in bed and thought to myself- "wow, what a wacko." Please consider yourself JUDGED! Obviously someone more zealous than me about any particular topic is a maniac. Pure Carlin.

What does this all say about me? I want to say that it means I am human- that it is in our nature to judge the world around us based on the most constant thing we know- US. It cant say that though. Somehow, a long time ago, I let this idea take hold that God is limited to the way I want to see him; that faith is only to be expressed in ways that I am comfortable with. Now, I think its time for me to stop with my christian road rage.

I hope that the lady in red is in my service next week- so I can learn to practice patience and loving others. I also hope that the message isn't to rough for me to hear. We are looking at Matt 7:1-2. Go Figure...

¹"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matt 7:1-2

Time flies

Its amazing how fast time seems to be flying. When I started this blog I wasn't very busy and imagined myself getting in several entries a week... and then poof... its over a week later. I apologize!

Last weekend I was fortunate enough to travel back to Ohio for my cousins wedding. Among the highlights of the journey include seeing my family, loosing my ID in the airport, and getting to spend a lot of quality time with my good friends wife and baby daughter. It isnt that I didnt get to see JT but as it turns out, him working nights and me being up in the days doesnt lend itself to a lot of bonding... (we instead opted for call of duty 4, he almost has me ready to bust the dust of the old Xbox myself!).

Spending life around a baby, if only for a weekend, is pretty amazing. You learn the patience with which God handles us. I know some of you reading this have kids- so this is probably a pretty obvious thought... but Addie needed EVERYTHING and Beths entire day revolved around making sure that Addie was cared for. I can hardly imagine that kind of devotion to another living thing, let alone one that doesnt understand or appreciate that commitment. In watching Beth love Addie I was astounded by just the small glimpse I saw of the boundless love God has for us... which we dont fully understand or often appreciate.

I am content for the moment- the restlessness that originally felt in wanting to write this blog has, for the moment, passed. I still struggle with being single in a new city, especially when I don't have a "best friend" here to pass the nights to myself... but these feelings have been more and more fleeting. One of the other highlights of trip to Ohio. Spending an afternoon in real, heartfelt conversation with Beth about my difficulties adjusting to life here in Madison. So much stress, frustration, and hurt disappeared with that conversation.

I am heading off for the night- going to try to watch TV and relax for a while. Sorry this was neither entertaining or very informative, but I hope you take some solace in the fact that the ship feels like it is righting underneath me. I have a purpose here- even if I don't understand it yet.

God Bless,

-Gus