"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it..."

In my defense, I had to google those lyrics to actually get the wording right- I have only heard the song a handful of times, one of which was the SNL backup dancer sketch. BUT... it does have to do with the topic tonight- and that is the love/hate/awkward relationship that I have with my ring and tattoo.

For those of you who do not know (which I am guessing is only a few of you) I wear a ring on my left hand even though I am not married, and I also have a tattoo on my wrists. The ring is inscribed with Proverbs 3:5 and Sigma Theta Epsilon. The tattoo is a combination of stigmata (marks where the nails pierced Christ's wrists) and the reference for Galatians 2:20 on my left wrist.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20

Now- the tattoo is almost always covered. I work wearing long sleeve shirts and have been very careful to always wear a wrist watch which covers the reference on my left wrist. No one I work with and very few people in Madison even know I have the tattoo. The ring is another story. Invariably, when I meet someone, I am asked about my wife. If I had a $1 for every time I was asked that question- I could retire and move to Jamaica. It's the question that always follows it that makes me cringe... "Why do you wear a ring on your left hand then?"

I always seem to stutter, mumble, avoid, and BS the answer to that question. It's very simple to me. I wear the ring on my left hand as a reminder that until I am married I should live like I am married to Christ- and that I should place all of my trust in him. Do you think that's the answer that I give to the people who ask me? Not a chance.

This evening I attended a meet+greet at the house of my "new" pastor in Madison. There were 20 of us at his house, which is a big deal when you consider the church I attend has an average weekly attendance of 4000. To be in that close of company with a pastor of such a large church is rare. During the evening I was engaged in conversation with his wife and the subject of the ring came up... my answer wasn't the one I gave you above. "I used to wear it on my right hand but it got in the way... so I moved it to the left and I haven't moved it back". That's the standard answer I give everyone. She is a pastors wife and I couldn't talk about the "religion" behind the ring.

The other day someone asked me what my tattoo meant to me- and I stammered and deflected the subject away from the scripture/tattoo. I simply felt awkward talking about it. The tattoo is very clear- it is a daily reminder of the sacrifice that Christ made for me, and a reminder of the life that I am supposed to be living with Christ as my example. Once again its a really simple answer that I never give to anyone.

Why is there such a stigma in discussing my (very public) displays of faith. How can I justify wearing such overt symbols of my faith and my identity in Christ if I am not willing to talk with people about that very same faith? In so many instances God has provided an opportunity for me to share my faith with another human being and yet I turn away. I cover my light.

"14You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." -Matt 5:14-16

What prevents me from sharing my light with those people curious enough to ask me about my ring or about my tattoo? Am I afraid of saying the wrong thing? Making a fool of myself? In reality it is something far worse.... I am worried that they will judge me- that they will no longer like me or want to hang out with me. I am scared that they will label me as a "crazy christian" and I will loose their friendship. Man that is lame :(

Any suggestions for how to put my light on a stand? The next time this conversation comes up how should I respond? My goal is to be more open and honest in those moments. To say a little prayer and then leave the words up to God. If I cant manage to do that then I probably don't deserve to wear it anyways...

Christian Road Rage

Back in High School I went through a phase where all that I listened to was stand-up comedy. I downloaded a ton of routines by several comics- but without a doubt my favorite was George Carlin. He was rude, loud, and vulgar- and that is BEFORE he gets going on a rant. I would like to say that his vulgarity wasn't the only reason that I liked him... but because I was a High School boy at the time I would probably just be lying to you. Man that guy could swear!

However- looking back on his acts and reading through one of his books (Napalm and Silly Putty) as an "adult" I still chuckle at his vulgarity but I realize the real quality that makes Carlin, or any other comic, funny is how observant they are regarding human nature. Carlin's routines are funny because they are very very true. I think the saying "at the heart of every joke lies a little bit of truth" is spot-on. If it wasn't true then it wouldn't be funny. One of the best examples I can offer of Carlin's insight can be seen in his take on drivers. He asks a very simple question.

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

He is exactly right- the only perfect driver is you. We see everyone else in relation to ourselves. This isn't just true in driving either- I realized today that I do it with everything I come into contact with.

I walked into church today in a very good mood. I had just woken up a mere 45 mins before and my body hadn't yet figured out that I tricked it into waking up at 8am on a Sunday. This past week I had heard from the church's service coordinator that they have several medical pagers for passing out to doctors, nurses, and apparently pharmacists- so that if something were to happen during the service there would be quick and knowledgeable professional response. This was my first sunday picking up a pager. I was doing my good deed for the day. I had a purpose. I was silently smug and prideful! I got my cup of coffee (hoping to starve off my impending nap until AFTER the service) and took my seat with my friends. Then I started my favorite past time...

Now many of you who know me must be thinking- "I didn't know you could play disc golf in Church" but that isnt the past time I am referring to. I happen to be referring to the game I like to call "Judging Other Christians". There she was- the same lady as last week. Same red dress. Same GIANT acrylic nails. Same three praise music "dance" moves- always mixed and matched to the tempo, style, or feel of the song... and of course she is sitting in the very front row. A quick glance around the room confirms that yes- she is the only one dancing. And despite all of this I can't explain to you now why she bothers me, but she does! I don't know if the enthusiasm feels fake or what, but something strikes me as off kilter about the whole situation.

(Now, please mind you that all of this is coming from the man who does his own amount of dancing to praise music, sings far louder than he should, and in his estimation would be a pain to worship next to or near- go figure!)

I block her from my mind and go back to singing (it is one of my favorite hymns after all- cant let her ruin that for me) and it occurs to me that the man across the aisle is not only not singing- he hardly has his eyes open! Not in the "I am so into this song" eyes closed- the "I should have gotten coffee like this loud annoying guy across the aisle" eyes closed. Who does he think he is? (For now, let's just ignore the fact that I can simultaneously "worship" my creator AND scope out every other person in the sanctuary- I think that's a topic for another day... unfortunately)

Are we making the connection yet?

It seems that anyone being "more worshipful" than me is a distraction, bother and annoyance- and anyone being "less worshipful" than me is being rude, unappreciative, and a unchristian! I seem to view other Christians the same way I view other drivers... in relation to myself as the definition of perfection.

Another example- I was listening to a radio show which happened to be hosting a favorite blog of mine- www.stuffchristianslike.net. It was prerecorded but Jon (yes, I am on a first name basis with the blog author I have never met nor communicated with) kindly linked it in a recent post. I was just laying around in bed listening for the wisdom imparted by Jon and the host Chris Fabry when the "call-in" questions happened. A lady called in and just went to town about coming to the cross, about how we are too caught up on the "power of the blood" and need to dwell on the cross. With each sentence she becomes louder and more aggressive. Mind you- that none of this had anything to do with Jon's message or reflection for that day. I rolled over in bed and thought to myself- "wow, what a wacko." Please consider yourself JUDGED! Obviously someone more zealous than me about any particular topic is a maniac. Pure Carlin.

What does this all say about me? I want to say that it means I am human- that it is in our nature to judge the world around us based on the most constant thing we know- US. It cant say that though. Somehow, a long time ago, I let this idea take hold that God is limited to the way I want to see him; that faith is only to be expressed in ways that I am comfortable with. Now, I think its time for me to stop with my christian road rage.

I hope that the lady in red is in my service next week- so I can learn to practice patience and loving others. I also hope that the message isn't to rough for me to hear. We are looking at Matt 7:1-2. Go Figure...

¹"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matt 7:1-2

Time flies

Its amazing how fast time seems to be flying. When I started this blog I wasn't very busy and imagined myself getting in several entries a week... and then poof... its over a week later. I apologize!

Last weekend I was fortunate enough to travel back to Ohio for my cousins wedding. Among the highlights of the journey include seeing my family, loosing my ID in the airport, and getting to spend a lot of quality time with my good friends wife and baby daughter. It isnt that I didnt get to see JT but as it turns out, him working nights and me being up in the days doesnt lend itself to a lot of bonding... (we instead opted for call of duty 4, he almost has me ready to bust the dust of the old Xbox myself!).

Spending life around a baby, if only for a weekend, is pretty amazing. You learn the patience with which God handles us. I know some of you reading this have kids- so this is probably a pretty obvious thought... but Addie needed EVERYTHING and Beths entire day revolved around making sure that Addie was cared for. I can hardly imagine that kind of devotion to another living thing, let alone one that doesnt understand or appreciate that commitment. In watching Beth love Addie I was astounded by just the small glimpse I saw of the boundless love God has for us... which we dont fully understand or often appreciate.

I am content for the moment- the restlessness that originally felt in wanting to write this blog has, for the moment, passed. I still struggle with being single in a new city, especially when I don't have a "best friend" here to pass the nights to myself... but these feelings have been more and more fleeting. One of the other highlights of trip to Ohio. Spending an afternoon in real, heartfelt conversation with Beth about my difficulties adjusting to life here in Madison. So much stress, frustration, and hurt disappeared with that conversation.

I am heading off for the night- going to try to watch TV and relax for a while. Sorry this was neither entertaining or very informative, but I hope you take some solace in the fact that the ship feels like it is righting underneath me. I have a purpose here- even if I don't understand it yet.

God Bless,

-Gus

Swirling Thoughts

I really wish I would have had this blog just a few days ago. The past two weeks have been filled with turbulent emotions- constant conversations with myself about what it is that I SHOULD be doing and what I actually am. Over the next couple days I am going to try my hardest to recount the emotions and feelings that led me to this point.

Before I do that, however, my heart is requiring me to post a warning of sorts. Now this warning isn't directed at the population reading this blog; instead, it is a public warning pointed at my heart.

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:5-6"

I know that most of us have a very good understanding of what "hypocrite" means- but it wasn't an association that the Greeks would have had. Hypocrite comes from the Greek word hypokrisis, which simply means "actor." Jesus is referring to thePharisee's as actors! Hypocrite isnt some heavy religious word, instead it is common; it is simple, it is something everyone experiences.

The caution he raises here, as part of the sermon on the mount, is VERY real. It is so easy to slip into to mentality that "look at how religious I am- I MUST be a good christian." Imagine I prayin front of my biblestudy every week. After one particularly enthralling discussion my heart is in tune with the lord and my prayer is moving and powerful. Someone afterwards comes up to me and tells me "that was such a great prayer, thank you". It doesnttake long before it is more important that my prayers impress my biblestudy than it is my prayers be a real and heart felt conversation with my creator.

You see, the real concern that Jesus expresses in these verses is that it is very easy to the "Right©" things for the wrong reasons. In fact, many times the "right" things are started for the right reasons... but we, as humans, have a miraculous gift to take good things and twist them to evil. We can even turn a prayer designed to praise God (maker of heaven and earth) into a means of praising ourselves (I made a grilled cheese sandwich)!

The scary thing about this realization is that so often we dont even know we have done it. I am certainly not intending to steal praise away from God but I do it anyways. I have done it to many times before and I am sure I will do it again. So much of what I do in the name of faith can quickly become something else... an act. That makes me a hypokrisis, an actor.

This blog is not about me trying to impress you with my religion or my faith. I pray instead for the opposite, that you would see the brokenness, struggles, and blemishes that prevent me from having the faith I desire. It is through those cracks in my life that one can see the glory and the grace of God. I want to put him on the pedestal, not me.

Defining Tone...

Here it is... the first post- the dreaded entry that, whether I like it or not, will set the tone for everything else that I write here. While few people (anybody?) will actually read this entry now, it will surely be read and scrutinized when I become a world famous blogger (or I when I force my friends to pretend to read it because no one else will).

So then, how should this all start?

Lets start with introductions

Hello, my name is Kyle Gustafson and I have a problem...

I am a broken man living in a broken and hurting world.

I am an Ohio boy, born and raised, who (at the time of this writing) has found himself living and working in the great state of Wisconsin. I graduated from pharmacy school this past spring and packed up my life to take a Residency position at a hospital in Madison, a city where I knew not a single person. While I am enjoying the process of shaping a new life for myself, I am still reeling from the loss of my support structure- my friends, family, and church.

In the midst of this turmoil, I have made the bold decision to use this time in my life to grow in character, faith, and love. It has been a struggle so far and I suspect it will never be anything close to easy- but I want to leave my year in Wisconsin feeling like a MAN. Not a beard wearing, fart making, belly scratching man; but a man built on a foundation of stone.

"I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. ⁴⁸He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built." -Luke 6:47-48

This blog will chronicle that journey. It will be filled with many things. Love, Hope, Disappointment, Misspellings, Faith, Frustration, and Ignorance. It will be uncensored, real, and self incriminating. I do not have an accountability partner, a small group, or christian support- and so this blog will become that for me. You- the Internet- will be my sounding board for the lessons I learn, the mistakes I make, and the thoughts and struggles I have.

I have spent to long living my life for me, its time I start living it for him...

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20